In 1998, the first Family Values Tour kicked off. It included Korn and Limp Bizkit, two bands that were hugely popular and widely hated at the time. As an adolescent boy who regularly had both bands’ CDs in my Discman, that tour sounded pretty cool.

But I’d like to talk about a very different kind of values here. This idea would’ve made little sense to that kid listening to Faith on repeat, but as a therapist in my mid-30s, I’ve come to believe that it’s one of the most powerful ingredients of a good life.

Before we dive into this, feel free to substitute a different word. “Values” just doesn’t resonate with some people, and that’s okay. Plus I may have already ruined it for you by associating it with Fred Durst.

A Values Primer

I first came across this idea a few years ago when I started learning about Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT, pronounced “act”).

Russ Harris, an ACT therapist, author, and trainer describes values in his book, ACT Made Simple: “Values are words that describe how we want to behave in this moment and on an ongoing basis. In other words, values are your heart’s deepest desires for how you want to behave – how you want to treat yourself, others, and the world around you” (emphasis his).

Simply put, values are words that describe the kind of person you want to be.

For example, here’s an incomplete list of my values in no particular order: I want to be reliable, kind, trustworthy, trusting, flexible, conscientious, spontaneous, authentic, hard-working, responsible, courageous, and curious. Values can also be described as nouns. In other words, I value patience, forgiveness, and self-protection.

Let’s unpack that further. First of all, look at that list of adjectives. That guy sounds AWESOME.

But he doesn’t exist.

The reality is that sometimes I live up to those values and sometimes I don’t. Values are about qualities you want to bring to your actions and strive to live up to. I don’t know about you, but I don’t always get what I want or strive for.

Before you can have a shot at being the kind of person you want to be, you have to figure out what that looks like. Step one is clarifying your values. More on that later.

Notice something else. There are some contradictions in there. How can you be trusting and self-protective at the same time? Conscientiousness and responsibility are often associated with routines and rules, so where do flexibility and spontaneity fit in?

This brings us to our first Modern Superpowers guiding principle: Sometimes it’s necessary to buy into two ideas that seem to contradict each other. We’ll call this principle Embracing Contradiction. Put a pin in that as well.

Another important quality of values from this perspective is that they are freely chosen. No one can tell you what your values are; it’s totally up to you.

That doesn’t mean your values can’t be influenced by others. Inspiration often comes from the qualities of people you admire. Furthermore, the culture and environment you grow up in will undoubtedly shape what’s important to you in one way or another. But it’s only you that chooses to take on and internalize those values yourself.

There is also nothing transactional or conditional about values. I don’t value kindness because I think it will make people like me; I simply want to be a kind person. Being kind probably increases the odds of being well-liked, but that’s not a guarantee. And if it does happen, it’s a bonus, not the goal.

Values Are within Your Control

This brings us to the first reason that values are so powerful. They represent something you can control. I have no idea how to make everyone like me, but I do have a pretty good sense of how I can be kind and reliable. I don’t know if I’m going to make it as a writer, but I do know that this is a way for me to act on the importance I place on being creative and helpful.

None of this is to say that you can’t have goals. It’s perfectly reasonable to want to be liked and to have ambitions for your career. And those goals are probably informed by your values. But goals and ambitions are tricky. We only have so much control over how they turn out. Striving to be liked by everyone and to achieve every goal you set is a surefire way to end up dejected and hopeless. In contrast, your values are always available to you.

This is a good place to introduce what I call The Agency Principle: Human beings have innate capacities for developing a sense of control in their lives, experiencing growth and change, and treating themselves with compassion.

This is my take on the combination of ideas that stretch back millennia and have stood the test of time. I’ll have more to say about agency, but for now it’s important to consider how values can provide a healthy sense of control.

Values Turn Painful Thoughts and Feelings into Fuel

The second benefit of values is that they give you a reason to take on some of the painful stuff that comes along with pursuing what’s important to you. This means not only tolerating certain painful thoughts and feelings, but welcoming and embracing them.

That’s a counterintuitive idea, so there must be something worthwhile on the other side of all that painful stuff. But as I think you’ll find, this superpower can unlock some of the best things in life.

Take social life. Even in healthy relationships that are worth maintaining, it’s inevitable that the people you care about will frustrate you, disappoint you, or even do something hurtful. That comes with a whole lot of emotional pain. Cutting off those relationships would mean giving up all the joy, laughter, and meaning that they bring you. Your values can give you a reason to make room for the uncomfortable and painful stuff that comes along with that.

That’s not to say that sometimes firm boundaries or even cutting someone out of your life isn’t necessary. And your values can help guide you in those situations as well.

It’s also inevitable that you will slip up with the people you care about. You might say something insensitive, drop the ball when someone needs your help, or annoy the hell out of the people around you. The resulting embarrassment, guilt, or shame can feel awful. But your values can bring meaning to those feelings so you can make amends and preserve the relationships that are important to you.

This idea applies to areas of life outside of relationships as well. Goals and ambitions are inherently driven by what’s important to you. But pursuing those things can be scary, daunting, and full of uncertainty. If you want to advance your career and get promoted, that will likely mean making some sacrifices and taking on more stress. Not to mention that there’s no guarantee you’ll get that promotion. The risk of disappointment and anger if you get passed over is unavoidable.

Knowing why that promotion is so important to you can give you the strength to say, “This is scary and stressful, and I know it will hurt if it doesn’t work out, but it’s worth it to try.” It’s natural to avoid those thoughts and feelings, and values can help you figure out when to embrace them.

Think about the other pursuits this can help you with. Traveling and exploring, trying out a new hobby, and creative endeavors like music or starting a YouTube channel are just a few examples. None of that comes without discomfort and uncertainty. But it also comes with joy, fulfillment, and growth. It usually isn’t possible to have one without the other.

Values Give You a Compass for Navigating Life’s Challenges

The third reason values are so powerful is that they can give you guidance and direction when life knocks you down. We are all going to face hardship at one point or another, whether it’s a bad breakup, the death of a loved one, health problems, or the litany of other painful experiences life doles out.

Values can be your compass during those hard times. When things are out of your control, you can still choose what kind of person you want to be. One of the common ways values are framed in ACT is that they help you answer this question: What do you want to stand for?

I found this to be critical when I was forced to largely be away from the world for extended periods of time due to debilitating health problems. Even though so much was out of my control, I discovered that I could still choose the kind of person I wanted to be. I could find ways to treat others with kindness, support, and forgiveness, and be apologetic and humble when I slipped up in those relationships. I couldn’t control my physical limitations, but I could exercise gratitude for what I was still able to do and be resourceful by finding creative workarounds to overcome those limitations.

Connecting with those values didn’t get rid of the sadness about what I had lost or the anxiety about the uncertainty of my future. But it did give meaning to all that painful stuff and provided me with something I could control.

Values As a Catalyst for Change

When I was 18, I drove my then-girlfriend to have her wisdom teeth taken out. I found out after the fact that she told me the appointment was a half-hour earlier than it actually was. That turned out to be a good call on her part.

Back then, and for a while afterward, I was terrible about being on time and following through on commitments. I’ve always been distractible and forgetful, and my executive functioning skills weren’t exactly top-notch in my younger years. I used to just accept those things about myself and assume that I couldn’t change them.

Fast forward to now, and something I take pride in is being reliable and dependable. I’m almost always on time, I don’t cancel plans without a truly good reason, and if I say I am going to do something it’s close to a guarantee that I’ll do it.

How did I make that change? Some of it came from maturity and growing up. But an important part of that process has been figuring out how much I value being reliable and dependable. I still get distracted easily and forget things left and right, but I’ve discovered that there are ways I can minimize the impact of those tendencies and be the reliable and dependable person I want to be.

Everyone has habits and tendencies they don’t like, whether it’s interrupting people, overindulgent nighttime snacking, or road rage. Whatever change you’d like to make, it’s likely there is a discrepancy between what you do and the kind of person you’d like to be.

Those habits and tendencies usually stem from some combination of personality traits, previous life experiences, and your environment. Values don’t alter history or magically turn you into a perfect person (I may have overcome my unreliability, but I have plenty of shortcomings I’m still working on). But they do give you a reason to do the hard work of making changes that can seem so elusive.

The second part of The Agency Principal comes into play here: Human beings have innate capacities for experiencing growth and change. Values alone won’t be enough to make and sustain changes. But they can help you figure out why those changes are important and give you a reason to persist when maintaining those changes becomes difficult.

Values Are High-Quality Identity Ingredients

There’s a lot that goes into your identity. Your roles, achievements, personality, and culture are just a few. Not to mention the positive and negative experiences from your past.

Values offer something deeper to give meaning to all of that. They help answer questions like: What kind of parent do you want to be? How do you want to behave when you win or achieve success? What about when you lose or fail?

Tying your identity too strongly to roles and goals is a recipe for disaster. Not to be a broken record, but once again, so much of that is out of your control. Your roles will change and evolve throughout life, and you’ll experience both the thrill of achieving your goals and the disappointment of falling short.

To return to a personal example, a big part of my identity is being a reliable friend, coworker, and therapist. My roles alone don’t define who I am; the qualities I bring to those roles are equally important.

None of means that your roles, goals, and other parts of your life shouldn’t factor into your identity. But including values makes your identity richer, deeper, and more robust to the ups and downs of life.

Values also represent a superior alternative to an identity dependent on likes, shares, and affirming comments in the digital world. Emphasizing real-life actions that have a qualitative nature such as kindness, patience, or courage provides the foundation for a stable sense of self. Conversely, quantitative measures of approval on social media platforms lead to an identity that is shallow and fragile. More on that theme below.

Values Are Especially Important in a Rapidly Changing World

Last but not least, values can help you figure out what to do with the messy world of smartphones, social media, and constantly evolving modern technology.

The last few decades have seen an incredible explosion of technology. Many of the devices we use today would have only been conceivable in the world of sci-fi not too long ago. This has produced a lot of good in the world, but it hasn’t been without tradeoffs.

Social media has connected billions of people, but it has also amplified group polarization and promoted self-indulgence. Smartphones give each of us a supercomputer in our pocket, but our ability to be focused and present has been derailed. Modern technology has both enhanced and intruded on relationships, education, work, and just about every other facet of life.

This double-edged sword and the role of values in sorting it all out is complex, and I’ll delve into it in more detail in future posts. But in the meantime, here are a few examples of common problems people are struggling with:

• The smorgasbord of enticing content on a smartphone makes it difficult to be present and spend quality time with loved ones.
• Social media seems to offer connection to others and access to valuable information. It can also make you feel lonely, inadequate, and outraged, and instill a reductive and oversimplified worldview.
• The ability to check work email and be reachable by your boss 24/7 has shattered any hope of a healthy work/life balance for many people.
• The adolescent mental health crisis has been driven in large part by a shift from a play-based childhood to one that is now characterized by screens, overstimulation, and intrusive parental tracking.

Having a good sense of personal values is critical for getting the most out of these new technologies without being swept away by them. The previous section about changing habits ties in here. Many of these technologies are built to be highly persuasive. This makes it challenging to resist their engaging and sometimes addictive nature.

I’m a proponent of large-scale societal and legislative change to address these issues. But that is probably still far away, and my focus here is on the personal change that is possible on an individual level.

This is one of the reasons that values represent such a foundational modern superpower. Using smartphones and social media in an intentional manner can feel like an uphill battle, especially since this often means opting out of what almost everyone else is doing.

If you decide you don’t want to be tethered to your phone or you’d like to spend less time on social media, prioritizing what’s important to you can give you the motivation to make those changes.

Plus, who knows what’s next? Smartphones and social media as we know it would have seemed inconceivable a few decades ago, so it seems inevitable that there are unforeseen changes on the horizon. Artificial intelligence and virtual reality are likely to have a profound impact on day-to-day life in the near future, and it’s anyone’s guess exactly what that will look like. That’s not to mention the technological advances we can’t even imagine right now.

Just like most new technologies, there will be benefits and costs to whatever is in our future. Knowing what truly matters to you can serve as a guide to sort through all of that.

A Few Common Misconceptions

Before I talk about identifying your values, it’s important to clarify what they are not and mention a couple other things.

One of the easiest ways to misconstrue this idea is to include emotions. Remember, values represent something you can control. Feelings don’t fall into this category.

Most of the control we have over emotions is indirect. I can prevent a certain level of anxiety by choosing not to jump into the lion enclosure at the zoo. But I also might just start feeling anxious for no apparent reason. Values represent how I want to act regardless of how anxious I’m feeling.

This is why happiness doesn’t fit this definition of values. There is no on/off switch for feeling happy. In fact, one of the conundrums of humanity is that we can be miserable even when everything is going right in life. But you can strive to be kind, patient, or courageous regardless of your emotional state.

Another important distinction is between values and goals. As I mentioned earlier, goals and ambitions are great, but the outcomes of those are not always within your control.

If you download a dating app, there’s no guarantee you’ll find your soulmate. But you can choose to be authentic and friendly toward the people you meet (which might increase your odds of making a connection, though it’s not a guarantee). And you can demonstrate courage by accepting the fact that you’ll likely have to deal with the pain of rejection at some point.

Values are also not set in stone. They are likely to change across time, situations, and your roles. I value reliability and dependability much more strongly than I did in my 20s. It’s likely that what’s important to me in my 40s will look at least a little different than it does now.

On a closely related note, some values will eventually need to take a backseat to others. This is where embracing contradiction comes in as an important guiding principle.

For example, one of the most common value dilemmas is what to do when someone in your life repeatedly mistreats you. Giving someone chance after chance when they treat you poorly or abusively simply isn’t sustainable. You may want to be compassionate and patient, but at a certain point self-protection and self-care will need to take priority.

That doesn’t mean compassion, patience, and other virtuous-sounding values are any less important. But sometimes other values need to come to the forefront (additionally, it’s possible to be compassionate toward someone while simultaneously protecting yourself from their hurtful actions).

Clarifying Your Values

You may already have a good sense of your values. If not, here are a few ways to get started.

Looking through a list of common values can help you to start zeroing in on what’s important to you, especially if you are really struggling to answer that question. Check out this list and see what resonates with you.

A common ACT values thought experiment is to imagine the eulogy at your funeral. How would you like people to describe you? If that’s too morbid, a variation of this is to visualize a gathering in your honor sometime in the distant future, complete with speeches. What do you hope will be said about you, how you’ve lived your life, and what you’ve stood for?

Lastly, the magic wand question can be useful here. It goes something like this: Imagine I could wave a magic wand and all your painful thoughts and feelings went away. What would you do differently? How would you act toward yourself, others, and the world around you?

Laying the Foundation

We’ve covered a lot. And believe it or not, this has only scratched the surface. Values represent a HUGE topic. There will be more to explore about values, and it’s a theme that will show up regularly here. As I hope you can see, values infuse just about everything in life.

I also hope the idea of values as a foundational superpower makes a little more sense now. This truly is the most powerful and important idea I’ve come across in my career. I’ve experienced it firsthand both as a therapist and as someone trying to navigate my own life challenges.

If you’re having difficulty figuring out your values, that’s okay. It often takes time and reflection. The exercises I described above can be helpful to get you started, but it’s also likely that once you start thinking about this, your values will start to come into focus when you least expect it. And after you figure that all out, you might just feel like you got the life.